PEOPLE people PEOPLE people PEOPLE pickles.
Imma start this Tuesday off with a photo that my sister sent me that pretty much sent me into catatonic shock from cuteness.
LIKE HELLO LOOK AT THE PERFECT CAROLINE-SIZED SPACE THEY LEFT IN THE MIDDLE
Which brings me to my next point…
MISS KENDALL JOYCE TURNS FOUR YEARS OLD ON MONDAY!
FOUR. YEARS. OLD!
If you know me, really even if you don’t know me at all, you know that I’m obsessed with my niece and nephew. Miss Kendall Joyce took the spot in my heart of favorite female on earth away from Lauren Conrad on February 1st, 2012. Luke Joyce took the favorite male spot away from Stephen Collettii on July 24, 2013. I’m still holding out hope that one day we can all live in harmony and throw BBQs every day by Lauren’s infinity pool in Laguna Beach.
I also love that, because I’m 24, I have the perfectly round number of 20 more years on this earth over her. I would say 20 more years of knowledge – but, let’s be honest – she’s already smarter than me. She can make any iPad her bitch and blocks out all the haters who stare at her whenever she dips tortilla chips in water at restaurants. She doesn’t apologize for being her true self. This girl has got life figured out.
I’ve always imagined that someday, many many years from now, Kendall will be rolling my 110-year-old body in a wheelchair around my mansion because I insist on feeding my pet kangaroos myself, and she’ll ask me, “Auntie?”
I’ll stare straight ahead, as all of the face lifts I’m planning on having will probably leave me minority immobile, and respond, “Yeah, Miss K?” She’ll wheel me around and ask, “What’s the secret to life?”
And I’ll say….
I have no idea.
What will I say? Order extra meat at Chipotle? Never live alone? Remember to buy Apple Care protection?
I’ve been thinking lately about the nuggets of wisdom I’ve learned in the past year or so that I could pass on to my favorite little girl when she’s older. My sister is going to teach her how to drive a car and ignore bullies, but what can I teach her? What kinds of things have I learned that can help her life run even the smallest bit smoother? How could I ever repay her for teaching me that applesauce serves as a great hand moisturizer?
So, Miss K, here are some life hacks I’ve learned that just might save you from a few of the mishaps that come with the agreement of being a human. BUT you are not allowed to read this until… well, until you can read. We’ll start there for now.
- When you’re at a restaurant and you want to order soup, always order the cup size instead of the bowl. There is almost always the exact same amount in both and the cup is cheaper.
- When making scrambled eggs, put milk in the eggs before you scramble them. It makes them so much more fluffy and delicious. I know you don’t eat eggs right now but you also don’t know when you can truly trust a fart so I think, with time, you’ll start.
- Apply the quote, “There will be a day that I can’t do this. Today is not that day.” in reference to any activity. There will actually be a day that you can’t do those things. Go out twice in one weekend. Stay out until 4am. Push yourself to go on a really long and hard run. Save 10 dollars and use a tennis racket as a pasta strainer.
- When debating between tip amounts, just add on the extra dollar. You will forget about it in two seconds and your waiter just brought you 5 breadstick baskets.
- One of the hardest dilemmas you’ll ever face as an adult is when you’re really tired with some free time during the day and need to decide whether you should nap or exercise to get some added energy. I don’t have an answer to this. I’m really sorry. Maybe I’ll save us both from this struggle and figure it out by the time you’re 6. So far, I’ve found it’s just best to commit to one or you’ll spend all the time you had debating between the two. Okay, that’s a lie, I usually choose Netflix.
- When someone says, “Oh, you don’t have to do that,” you literally do not have to do that.
- 1 ply toilet paper is not worth the money saved.
- When alone in your apartment, eat your food directly out of the pot to avoid more dirty dishes to clean later on.
- Brunches are expensive and usually not worth it.
- It is inappropriate to discuss with your boyfriend how you two will act towards each other after you break up. The conversation assumes that you will, in fact, break up. You probably will, but apparently you’re not supposed to be prepared or have a game plan. Trust me. It makes for an awkward conversation and they’ll bring it up, like, all the time.
- When going out to eat, put your friends out of those seconds of misery when the waiter first asks, “Drinks?” when everyone is waiting on someone else to decide if you’re drinking alcohol or not. Make the decision. Order a cocktail.
- Wear your favorite sweater again even though you just wore it two days ago. Nobody remembers and you’ll still get compliments because you look just as awesome as you did the first time.
- Remind your friends that they’re amazing. Like you, they forget sometimes.
- If you are dreading going somewhere and want to cancel, you probably should. The other person is likely dreading it, too, and wants to cancel. Cancelled plans serve as instant relief for everyone.
- On that note, don’t cancel just because it’s new and weird and you don’t know how it will go. Chances are, it’ll be a good time.
- Unless it’s karaoke. Cancel that shit now. It’s literally never a good time.
- Everyone just stares at you while you’re attempting to sing and judges you on your song choices. A friend will likely suggest “Barbie Girl.”
- If you forget my advice and are faced with the song “Barbie Girl,” always offer to be the guy part. Everyone forgets that he only has like 3 lines and you’ll be saved from some of the embarrassment that inevitably comes from said karaoke activity.
- Your poor friend will have to sing so much on her own because she forgot, as everyone does, that Barbie Girl is really not a great duet song. Somewhere during the song, usually around 2 minutes in, she’ll turn to you and desperately beg with her eyes that you jump ship and start to sing the girl part with her to save her from the sinking ship that she embarked on because she never had an Auntie Caroline to advise her on such things. Because you are a nice person and a good friend, you will agree and sing with her, all the while wondering how you ended up there, singing a weird song in front of people you don’t really know. Then you’ll call me and tell me, “You were right.” and I’ll come pick you guys up and we’ll go get cups of soup.
- When in doubt, you are probably parked in the red.